Who on earth does #4, besides a small boy under 6? No.. Ill have to check with E and let you know is super convenient. You? and see if he gets stuck in a loop. Every weekend! Maybe shorter comments go through immediately but longer ones need mod-approval? I slept for twelve minutes while perching on top of my desk like a bird! How about you? If they push after that, theyre admitting theyre either not listening or not respecting my feelings. But for the LW when its potential datepeople, I do find that, Not sure yet why, do you have something fun in mind? has a pretty decent response rate. What are you doing this weekend? But I have made a major effort to train myself to STATE WHAT I WANT first. LW, in case youre feeling that so many comments along these lines invalidate your feelings about the question or imply that youre making a big deal out of nothing, I wanted to chime in to say that my reaction to reading your letter was an immediate OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER?!. Can we not use spaz/spazzy, please? As such, I like to preface it with taking care of some stuff. So she says no. But, in the long run, in my life, I think the conflict over emotional labor and fair division of chores, while sometimes painful and frustrating, was something we were able to move past when I moved out because I never felt unsafe. What about you?. 2. D- Dearest relaxing days. It might help to keep in mind that for most people, the question is pretty innocuous. Not blond but like superwhite. Thanks, I woke up like this. Oh, stop it, will you? She got like that by working three times as hard as everyone else and being three times as smart as everyone else. The thing about she is family, and I expect family to do X is: Who decides what is necessary, when is it necessary, and who needs to do it? Itd be a big help, but if not I could find someone else. Which is a lot of caveats! Theres a great body of research on the pileup of mental stress on the interrupted person, and the habit encourages the interrupter to indulge in constant watching and judging of how another adult spends their R&R downtime, which isnt good for the interrupter either, since it breeds resentment, often of a very petty kind. my mother does this. I dont think my friends are trying to put me on the spot at all. BUT! I get that. Why, whats up?, Yessss exactly. I think you nailed it with that last bit, to an epic degree. I kind of resent that you assume I will tell you.. Thursday is awful for me rushing all day invites the questioner to drop the topic, and Nothing, how about you invites the questioner to ask you to the fun thing. Yes, this. Also, I dont expect that the LW is bothered by every person who casually asks this question; Im sure they can tell when someone is just making chit chat vs someone who is interested in spending time together. That stuff just wears on people. There are several possible moves in response to this gambit. You're going to want to keep your messages quite a bit shorter on apps like Tinder and Bumble .) With friends, I might have the motive of finding time to hang, but often its just to find something to talk about. ooh. Message Example #6: ( Note: A long message like this example is a better fit for dating sites like Match, OkCupid or POF. I've Tried, but No One Listens Hopefully Not as Good as I'll Ever Be If I Was Any Better, Vitamins Would Be Taking Me Okay. you said you had no plans! you into babysitting or helping them with yardwork, they just want to ask you a fun, low-stakes question. Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. One of my long-time boundaries is I wont date a guy who cant properly carry out an invitation and follow it through. Theres always some kind of obligation, because theyre my parents and I love them and I want to honor what theyve done for me in giving me a great life. .except I have a ton of folks in my life who literally ask this to trap me into doing things for them, so thinking their intent is innocuous after being shown time and again it isnt, doesnt necessarily fit the bill- specifically based on the reasoning LW gives. The kids DO like my origami and I was able to get in some geometry pointers with that. Well, here's that question again: do you know what you want to do with your life or are you still trying to figure it out? Maybe you have a mountain of laundry and it takes the whole weekend, or you are just doing the laundry inbetween other activities. And I have an aunt who, when I was younger, my preferring to do nothing plans often translated in her head to free babysitting for her boys. There was definitely conflict where trying to balance and figure out fairness, safety, and compassion were difficult and sometimes heated. I wish people could just say I want to do (thing) do you want to do (thing) with me?, All I can tell ya is what I have been doing for years: Its okay that I usually watch movies/play videogames/read all weekend and those arent shameful hobbies. I'd Be Better if You Asked Me out If I Was Any Finer, I'd Be China I get you wanting to be met at the airport under those circumstances. I agree with the Captain that its all about boundaries. I find looking out for the people who cause difficulty when things dont go their way, is more useful than trying to figure out all the numerous different ways common interactions could be interpreted and trying to use the right one for every situation. The bad news is that this question probably isnt going anywhere in our lifetime. Threading has run out, so replying to your top comment, spd please try to avoid using the word spazzy. As unfathomable as it is to me to want to be out and about with other humans pretty much every night, it is unfathomable to them to want to spend a whole weekend under a blanket with a book. If its just a soft open to an invitation, you can be annoyed by it, or you can say, I dunno, you?. Indoor Cat raised some good points. If it is in fact a lead up to an invitation or request I can always either find room for it or say I dont have time. I am a Guess person, and that is not going to change (and I often feel annoyed at people who seem to think that it shouldmy brain wiring is okay, too! How about you? Is this just aimless small-talk? You on the other hand, will get off the phone feeling charged and energized.and get right back to doing nothing. Trying to remember the name of that weird person you remind me of. This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list. LWs letter got me thinking and i thought about using this kind of questions and realized that the only time I actually use them is with really close friends with whom I would just like to hang out or intend to make plans together. I miss you though, can we plan dinner soon? And I have a date Saturday, but I would love to get a phone call-catchup on the calendar if youre freemaybe Sunday afternoon? (These examples are all people I want to spend time with I also use a lot of swamped this weekend! If someone asks me the question, I am happy, because that means they are probably inviting me somewhere. @Kacienna: Im saying that because in other posts, people have literally advocated for saying just No, thanks! to an overture like We should get coffee sometime. And I mean that is not just going to burn bridges, that is going to blow them up, and not just with the person youre speaking toits going to look Super Off to observers and cost you with them as well. I still have the same question of why do this? Amusing to think of borrowing a line from upthread: Well, it sounds like youre inviting me to something interesting! That said, I tend to think the person asked, they can damn well deal with the answer. That takes some skill. "Spend some time this weekend on home improvement. Also, if you want people to drop the polite social conventions and be direct with youmaybe try directly telling them this? "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. The method that has been the most successful for me is to ask one person if theyre available/interested in an event, work out a date, and then specify such event in a group chat. But again, that often leads to a fraught conversation or hurt feelings that arent worth dealing with. Born and raised in the US, and I also think this is a weird question not to answer literally. (Seriously? I find the amount of people suggesting this interesting. 2. In the age of smartphones I also often find that my calendar is inside the device Im holding up to my ear In theory I could ask them to pause the conversation while I check the calendar, but I havent yet found a script to actually get them to stop talking while I do that. If I get hungry enough, Ill consider eating them. The hubs and I do the same. But it is a cost. The genered expectations in our family are much more of the women do the planning variety which can get super annoying when wed like to just go along for the ride every once in a while. There is a normal-question-asking prosody, where the words get successively higher in pitch. Also it varies on friend one friend, if I ask him if hes free Friday, we both understand that means beer and movies until the early hours, by default. Im thinking the letter we had a while back with mandatory no premade food potlucks is a glaring example of a culture that needs changed, but I would also like to see room in the workplace for people who are good at their work but are reserved/private/not interested in relationships with their coworkers outside of work. Its just in the past year or so that its cropped up repeatedly, with different people at different establishments. Absolutely! And genuinely interested in what theyre doing! I know people who mean well dont like hearing this, but I think that its important for people who mean well to also consider how the people they interact with might feel, so I consider this type of information to be useful to anyone who truly wants others to feel welcomed and comfortable. (that said, I do aim at treating her the way I would an adult roommate.) @Helen Huntingdon, that is good to know, re feelings and setting off yellow flags. You are hearing pressure where there is none; and even if there were a little pressure, the grownup way to deal with it is to push back firmly but politelyno whining, no yelling, no accusing, no lecturing. But I dont ask them where theyre from, because its really none of my business; there are other kinds of small talk to make. I get the rude stealth favor askers too and it irritates. For people I know, the answer is closer to what you say is the norm in Sweden anything from Having a truly awesome day to Need more coffee to counteract the baby waking up an hour before the alarm. For close friends, I can and have answered with details about what the brain weasels are up to today. And if I do want to see her, then I just tell her something freed up in my schedule and ask if shes available or if theres anything she wants to do. A party people pop quiz so to speak. For an acquaintance, depends. Question bugs me too, so I figured out some noncommittal answers that hit the tennis ball back into the askers court where it belongs. After decades of various sorts of problem behavior from my father, I literally hit a brick wall of having had enough, and weve been done ever since. Id like to do a bit better with my own kids. I have learned over my decade plus of retail experience that the key to small talk that doesnt annoy people is to feel out what they seem excited to talk about. This way Im letting them know why in the same breath, and giving them a potential out. Why? and the goal is to just be ok with letting them down when they are the ones who have set an unagreed demand on your time. Dont do that to a friend. Go For a Walk: One of the simplest and most fun things on weekends is going out for a walk. It's funny I don't even register the question "How are you?" (I've lived equal times on the West and East coasts of the US), but I see a couple of UK commenters upthread and when I lived there I never, ever got used to "You alright?" which, functionally, isn't that different. In these cases, we are all just curious and looking for stuff to talk about. morning (and then bending my ear the whole way up the road, when if we were alone Id be chatting to my kids, and we quite like that) to the point where the doorbell would go and my kids would be saying oh god no, not them again! and Im shushing them, but feel exactly the same way. (I am also not her only parent, so I dont get to act unilaterally. An alternative then is to actually mention the fact that you are sending them an email. You may feel uncomfortable doing this (which is their goal) but you always have the right to decline a request. You can answer a pleasant: Nothing much! or Youre looking at it, breakfast was great! or I hope you get some free time later today, the weather is lovely! without worrying about it at all. Youve also brought up some generational preferences on communications. As in, What are you doing? is another way of asking What are your hobbies?. As I explained, however, sometimes responding to a compliment requires a funny response. Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. I think LW is unable to separate people doing something that they personally find annoying, and people intentionally trying to annoy them. I get it from friends (who usually just want to find a time to hang and thats not so bad), my cousin (who usually wants me to babysit), my mom (whenever she wants to invite me somewhere), and people Im chatting with on dating websites. They also influence how OFTEN. Again with the caveat that you have to tell the person whom youve used as an excuse that youve done so! LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. Need some help actually. Im saying lets not be unkind to the LW for disliking or feeling stress about this particular social situation. You went out and you didnt even invite me? he said, Well I asked you if you had plans and you said you were doing homework! Well yeah, because I had no other plans at that time because you did not indicate to me that there were any other options! We also told our children when they were growing up that they could use us as an excuse any time they felt pressured or uncomfortable saying no for themselves. (If shes British, hopefully that will scare the crap out of her and shell leave you alone. Is everyone busy? But it can also just mean I love you and want to hear about things youre doing that youre excited about; it comes up all the time with friends who live far away! (Like, Im the kind of introvert who is good with people but I know a few who are just exhausting and who drain my battery super quickly), Could you have a conversation with her about, Were gonna have to schedule when all of our kids are walking to school. Acquaintances or co-workers get a vague answer, like, {5 words to say Im in/out of town or am/arent super booked}, then, What are you up to? because its really just small talk. Obviously Im talking here about people Im friendly with, not friend-friends, but I cant imagine having got to the stage of being friends with someone who was inclined to rebuff me expressing interest in their life. She asked me if we were doing anything on a certain day and I was like I cant think of what it is right now but we are definitely doing something that day. She then mentioned a big thing that was on in town this week and yes, that was in fact the thing that we were going to, so I was like Yes! Ill let you know closer to the day if thats okay. If it requires more notice, I tell them to count me out. Why, whatve you got? with a tone implying that weekends are always full of important adulting chores that I really dont want to do, but adults gotta adult, you know? This applies in other areas of life too. The pushback on needing brain time though makes sense. Getting this question still stresses me out because I feel like I have to work 100x harder to set and enforce said boundaries than if people just asked up front. When you are waiting for the Good morning text. The mental stress is the same whether you interrupt a current rest period or interrupt the chance to get there before it before it starts. When Im asked that question (by people other than DD), I usually go with Why do you ask?. Do you have time to talk?" "What Are You Up To?" Can Be a Way to Ask "Are You Busy?" Here's another example: Jana: Hi Rob, how are you? Ive learned also that its ok to be a deer in the headlights if Im caught off guard bc I can always invent something shortly after or next day and say whoops forgot I had x. Lets get together. But you have never issued a direct invitation to me in your life. Then there is the Miss Manners rebuff, where the pitch is level until the final word is raised. (And it also stopped me from being super-duper free to do alllll the weekend shifts. How can I ask in a way that minimizes that feeling? Men who constantly try to manipulate women into doing all their emotional labor is a ridiculously huge problem in American culture right now. I love that you are into mountain biking! My introvert self doesnt like last-minute extroverting.). (Whether there will be some negative family fallback I dont know). Most people would rather talk about themselves than anyone else, so turning the question back to them will almost always divert them from further questions about what Im doing. (And boy howdy, did she get pissy when I responded with not really. We did NOT live together well.). Im trying to train her out of the habit. 1. Number 6 is my answer to " why don t u want to have kids ? Also, again in the UK, if the person is literally asking, the emphasis will be strongly on are. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY. All right, good, fine, grand are the normal answers, and then its repeated back. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. I also get your daughter refusing to comply with requests that arent made with at least normal adult civility it was not even a request, in fact, but an order. Or something. 3. For the record, I will totally cat-sit for you. What are you doing Thursday? Its very jarring to see that thrown around when its a nasty slur here in the UK. Are you busy? Funny Bumble Answers #3: Rebel Without A Cause This answer is funny because it paints a picture in the woman's mind of a rebel, even in his youth. So of course, you tell her, youll all walk separately from now on (keep the cheery loud voice of happy certainty and smile hugely the whole time). If you use the same phrasing with suddenly a dramatically different meaning, its not other peoples fault if they dont know youve changed the meaning on them. YOU WILL NEVER FORGET THIS VIDEO. Or at least, it will be seen as rude by many people that I know and had had this conversation with. Usually people have to give me a straight answer after that. B: Cool. You can also better manage your time because you can text her at anytime you want. (Women with STEM doctorates especially get constant streamers of this kind of contempt from their families.). I like your point that it does actually give people the outyouve put it in their minds that they can say Im busy., Its what I dothough I often try to say the thing first (Want to go to a movie? Theres a world of small talk out there that doesnt Other a person, and being genuinely curious is not a justification for anything.