holding a grudge = still being angry and bitter about the wrong someone did to you forgive but not forget = move on. "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship. I hope these help. The researchers found six main components of holding a grudge, including: Sometimes, we get so obsessed with a grudge that we develop a sort of tunnel vision. I did not respond. Ive been there. I think he may have acondition of sorts, he reminds me of the guys on Big Bang theory. The bible also says to flee sexual immorality. He didnt even know them before. Ciembithat truly sucks. Its not fair to use another as a buffer to get over the ex as you will become a user and an AC. Unsubscribe at any time. She left me a voice mail message one day when I didnt do something for her fast enough. Its bordering on the OCD side which can be so frustrating. I could at times become quite narcissistic,using (ie disregarding/not considering) others feelings and disregarding the effect of my actions on them emotionally. But manipulative and controlling and trying to use the reset button. But forgiveness isnt always possible in every situation. I did not respond. Even months or years later, were so committed to our anger that we start to lose perspective. It just isnt worth it and it only leads to more frustration, unhappiness and anger in the long run. Phone call would have made me more pouty, I am sure. What makes me sad is that I wish I had a mother daughter relationship with someonenot her, just someone. Ive maintained NC but Im seething inside that he thinks its OK to just drop me and dismiss me as if I was nothing. . "Think about how much emotional threshold you have towards most people even annoying ones," Owen said. Thank-you all 4 your replies. Somehow I found it preferable to have this idealized harmony than to exercise my stronger, more realistic side (which is most decidely alive and well). Any use of this site constitutes your agreement to the Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy linked below. But. Weeks later she sent my son to my house with a dress she bought me. Your child may not see him in the same way as you and children (especially boys) do have a strong need to be around their male parent. NC is your most powerful action. Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission. He gave you the truth: hes incapable of any responsibility or emotional attachment. I forgive him and have prayed about it. I used to give to both ACs too many chances, did they change, did I change?! A boundary is wiping that gum off, accepting the evidence that it was once there, but moving forward without that bump. To hold a grudge is to disobey God's second greatest commandment to love our neighbor. It was one of the factors that kept me trying to believe in my exs good intentions so earnestly expressed while he just kept on doing the same old thing and treating me in the same old way. Courtney,If I read CC right, big bang nerdy guy is not the bad guy here. When all is said and done, the best revenge is your own happiness and success. I want to contact him less frequently. I would love you to write a post on this Nat. I hope youre doing great!! Interesting post & timing of it. And awareness. He wants your forgiveness, which he probably interprets as you being okay with what he did. ;)). If we take a good hard look at where we have even reasonably decent relationships with people, romantic or otherwise, theyre not with people who rely on us having selective amnesia, who dont bear the responsibility for making right on something that theyve said theyll do after theyve erred, who dont keep trying to push the Reset Button, and who dont keep using the past as a weapon on us. He isn't a human golden retriever all the time. Hi Ladies and gents. My ex never took drugs, lazed around drinking beer in his undershirt and never even hit me. thts it. They also gave me pause for thought. Please trust yourself. What's the difference between setting and respecting a boundary vs. holding a grudge? You cant squeeze blood out of a stone. I love this site, and you rock, ladies! Dont make excuses for this idiot! So, in that case, we would forgive them by letting go of resentment and vengeful thoughts, but we would also get away from them so as to protect ourselves and our OWN spirituality (lest their bad attitudes/behaviors rub off on us). Probably. He has no remorse for screwing up his kids childhoods. None of these are likely. I feel very positive about the future, whether or not that includes a relationship with a man. Merci. Whether the experience is a good one or a very bad one, hopefully you learn and come out a better person. Going back to the ex I guess isnt a total surprise ( though almost)- but never in a million years did I think he just would treat me like this. A stronger immune system. Ready. crawling under bed of the genie bottle. Sometimes I feel I do, but mostly I feel I dont. It feels hard to not want to be that people pleaser and try. Feeling assured he aint a bad man assclown who messed me up.because im plesant to him. So you painfully move on. Thats just circumstantial. You knowbasically the opposite attitude of what Ive expressed in a lot of the comments Ive made about people whove wronged me in my past. It feels so awful not to handle things well and to lose so much confidence. And then, remembering their past actions, not out of anger or vengefulness, allows you to stop and say to yourself before engaging, Hmmmis this likely to happen again with this person? This is just what I needed to read today, so thank you so much, Natalie. A clean break is no more than him messing with my head when there is no future. But when he was on his own I told him (calmly!) If never letting go of slights is referred to as holding grudges, what's it called when you'll always remember a kindness someone did you? Why do you keep pretending that all of this stuff didnt happen in the past when its happening in your present? and on the other hand says, A better person would have been able to move past that. He deserves a guilty conscience. and not actually to feel any better. I only need to validate me. Same people. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. The Golden Rule. Don't be afraid to ask for some space or take a step back before continuing the conversation. Define your terms? Think of a calming or pleasant memory that you can clearly . In a 2021 analysis, researchers examined why we hold grudges. I have to say thanks to Natalies posts, and all your comments and support, I feel a whole lot stronger. I still get upset, but less frequently. You hit the nail on the head. I know I do! Do you think I am using the past bad situation to colour my impressions of this guy? Its been over a year, and Im getting better and then suddenly something will hit me and I will crash emotionally. We forgive the debt and move on (without the person and without payment). That way he cant send you any! He replied were not over. No more contact. His reset button approach was oh, so, polite and made me crazy, though. Im confused. To provide you with the most relevant and helpful information, and understand which My kid(s) see right through you. The message she left was so hurtful. It takes time and effort and SPACE (emotional space) to look at our relationship patterns so as to eventually be able and willing to have an honest conversation with ourselves. She has proven over and over again what kind of person she is and it's the kind you don't want to be around. Good luck. Not doing it!You dont need to keep proving yourself or trying to earn their approval, and whoever you first learned to do this with taught you to believe you *had* to be a people pleaser. You might not think that's what you're doing, but it very well could be. It is OKAY to like someones personality better than my exs. Lisa. My friends husband just asked me out! We were never enough of anything for her. That means an awful lot of retraining. This has been my biggest weakness! They're suffering from an emotional imbalance, which therapy might help. Dear Nat, thanks again for the great post! "If you find yourself avoiding someone you have previously been close to, reflect on what happened the last time you were together, or even further into the past," Habash said. Well. I have had an experience with a narcissist similar to what you described (charmed me completely, was successful, I felt we were compatible) and when I stuck to my boundaries and ended it, breaking NC afterwards was one of my biggest regrets. It does no logical good M3tal_Shadowhunter 1 yr. ago It's not about helping anyone. I certainly do have amnesia when I conveniently forget about all the hurt that he has caused me and continued to cause me before I went NC and could get a clearer perspective. Hell, no! Forgive yourself for going back, or staying in something that you knew wasnt right, for you. If you havent, it may be something helpful in the healing process. YESSSSSSS!!!! Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will get vengeance for this and key her car. Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. I also dont think asses make good friend material. Holding a grudge keeps them safe from further injury. Choose to forgive the person who's offended you. She would actually get mad at me, my relationship w her was at stake. Ive thoughtnto myself that maybe i was too critical and expected too much from her, and that if i was more accepting it could work out, but the fact is shes with someone else. Thanks for being patient with me! They prevent the other party from repairing the relationship. so I dropped him. I feel awful at the moment and I dont want you or anyone else to even try to understand why. ), I still wanted to be accepted by them and every time in later life when I felt like an outsider it sort of tied back in to how I felt all of the time in high school. But he actually destroyed my confidence by denying me affection, respect, and appreciation and was deaf to me.completely stone deaf. The 68th time, I learnt this is just going to keep happening. May get me fired but someone has to take a stand not be a mindless, obedient doormat. 2020; doi:10.11124/JBISRIR-D-19-00286. My prayers for you continue. He then proceeded to delete me from his skype contacts 10 days later, and he went back (he had deleted his account when he was with me) on the dating website where we had originally met (I have cancelled my own account there). When you show up authentically and choose to be more you, people being themselves allows you to filter out the wrong relationships and say yes to the right ones.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Please, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want, comes out this month. This happened a few times several years ago. To move toward forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness can be hard, especially if the person who hurt you doesn't admit wrongdoing. I dont want to be around YOU. Like a moth to a flame, I know exactly what its like to feel drawn to this type and if you can, find the strengthfly away fly away! His niceness is just a front to get laid, unfortunately. Tinkerbell People date those they work with, who go to the same church, the same college, friends of friends, and neighbours. I agree that we probably agree more than Im realizing becausewellIm confused about what you mean. The difference in these recent EUM situations I was in, is that I never got emotionally invested. But to forgive in a way that would be about reintroducing more contact btw them and me into my life would mean forgetting why I had to push back in the first place. I am filled with anger although we have very limited contact. Hi Demke, so did my daughter, in the end I wasnt allowed to even mention his name to her lol she really hated how angry he was, and when I said that I got angry as well she said yes but yours is a sad angrysuch a wise soul. If you struggle with finding forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness is a commitment to change. What To Do When Your Family Doesnt Love What Does Arguing With A Narcissist Sound Like. The Miracle is possible! Asses dont tend to use protection. I guess the attraction is that hes intelligent and I thought he was a nice guy. Great that you saw the light and are moving onwards and upwards! You see Magnolia, this is what I was saying before. health information, we will treat all of that information as protected health No mother its you. The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.